he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
