mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
