just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
