the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
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Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
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I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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