im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
