first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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