im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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