Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
