The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
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I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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