i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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