I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
