chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
