matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
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for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
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Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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