They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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