I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
