Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
