i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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