she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
