Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
