Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
