He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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