What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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