So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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