And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
