he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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