Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
