the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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