DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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