I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
