she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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