there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
