Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
