8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
