So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
