I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Two words: nipple clamps
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