Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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