I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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