Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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