Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
