her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm too high and old for this...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
