Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
