im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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