Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
