think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
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Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
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We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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