listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
