If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
