My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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