yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
