im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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