I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
