trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
