i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
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She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
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BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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