Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
