I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
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Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
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The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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