I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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