your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
