I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
