When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
